Great news! My book is going to be translated and published in Germany by one of the oldest and largest publishing houses, Dumont! I have other great news too but can’t disclose just yet! Moments like these are widely celebrated with champagne but I celebrated with a deep-fried pizza and chippy chips, smothered in brown sauce! I can’t thank my agent enough … Jennifer Barclay Books.
I spent today working from bed. In between emails, I slept and took Maria out for walks. I need to tie up a media feature for the BBC before beginning the 120-mile hike, but when the weather changed to freezing cold rain, I was happy to be postponed.
I’ve felt pretty yukky today. But feeling yukky and not devastatingly upset is huge progress for me! Normally at this time of year I cry. But I haven’t this year.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day, a day I don’t celebrate. To me, Mother’s Day, means lots of pretty looking gifts on shelves and people walking around with bouquets of flowers. That’s all. There is no family time or nice meal or laughing and joking and hugs. If I acknowledge Mother’s Day then I am acknowledging what I don’t have, and that isn’t a nice feeling. I prefer to focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t. That saying from Oscar Wilde … ‘we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.’
For most of my life I believed I was too horrible to be loved, cared and accepted. I was told it was my fault. That something was wrong with me. But cycling the world and learning from the street dogs changed that. Sometimes though, I still wonder what I did that was so wrong. Or what it is about me that is so bad that I don’t have a Mum and family. But I must bring myself back to the present. Time is short and to enjoy an awesome life I must surely focus on things within my control. So, I pull Maria in close and give her a big hug and say thank you for being the bestest doggy in the whole world.
It’s important to me to be the change I want to see in the world. The idea of blogging openly about my mental health and holding nothing back, filled me with fear … yet here I am presenting myself to the world exactly as I am, and still amazing opportunities are winging their way to me along with love and acceptance. Until people can talk about mental health, openly, like they do a cold … without fear … I’ll continue to speak out.
So today … truly amazing news guys! But deep down, I feel sad. At a life where I would have traded anything to have a family. But I never learned how to be a person that can have family.