Great News! But Sad Too.

Great news!  My book is going to be translated and published in Germany by one of the oldest and largest publishing houses, Dumont!  I have other great news too but can’t disclose just yet!  Moments like these are widely celebrated with champagne but I celebrated with a deep-fried pizza and chippy chips, smothered in brown sauce!  I can’t thank my agent enough …  Jennifer Barclay Books.

I spent today working from bed.  In between emails, I slept and took Maria out for walks.  I need to tie up a media feature for the BBC before beginning the 120-mile hike, but when the weather changed to freezing cold rain, I was happy to be postponed. 

I’ve felt pretty yukky today.  But feeling yukky and not devastatingly upset is huge progress for me!  Normally at this time of year I cry.  But I haven’t this year. 

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, a day I don’t celebrate.  To me, Mother’s Day, means lots of pretty looking gifts on shelves and people walking around with bouquets of flowers.  That’s all.  There is no family time or nice meal or laughing and joking and hugs.  If I acknowledge Mother’s Day then I am acknowledging what I don’t have, and that isn’t a nice feeling.  I prefer to focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t.  That saying from Oscar Wilde … ‘we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.’ 

For most of my life I believed I was too horrible to be loved, cared and accepted.  I was told it was my fault.  That something was wrong with me.  But cycling the world and learning from the street dogs changed that.  Sometimes though, I still wonder what I did that was so wrong.  Or what it is about me that is so bad that I don’t have a Mum and family.  But I must bring myself back to the present.  Time is short and to enjoy an awesome life I must surely focus on things within my control.  So, I pull Maria in close and give her a big hug and say thank you for being the bestest doggy in the whole world. 

It’s important to me to be the change I want to see in the world.  The idea of blogging openly about my mental health and holding nothing back, filled me with fear … yet here I am presenting myself to the world exactly as I am, and still amazing opportunities are winging their way to me along with love and acceptance.  Until people can talk about mental health, openly, like they do a cold … without fear … I’ll continue to speak out. 

So today … truly amazing news guys!  But deep down, I feel sad.  At a life where I would have traded anything to have a family.  But I never learned how to be a person that can have family. 

Ishbel xxx

20 Replies to “Great News! But Sad Too.”

  1. I so hope one day you will find a lovely man to look after you both and you will have your own lovely family 🙂 xxx

  2. I know what you mean… I don’t have family and the longing to have siblings, parents and family gatherings does tug at my soul but I am thankful for all that I do have. I’ve accepted my lot in life but on some holidays it matters. Never think there was something horrible wrong with you. God just had a different path for us to follow. If you hadn’t followed yours you couldn’t haven saved all of those homeless dogs. You’ve gotten to see the world and your a world wide published author. You have accomplished so much because of the path you were led on. Know you are a wonderful person and someday you will find someone special whom you’ll fall in love with and the depression will go by the wayside because you’ll filled with joy. You were never alone in this journey. Have a safe walkabout.

    1. Aww thank you so much!!! Yes … I am grateful to my past for all it has given me today 🙂 I don’t think it will ever not be there … that I don’t have family but in the future I hope to have my own family 🙂 Just would like it now! lol x

  3. comming to terms and dealing with the early stuff can take a while. It might always be there but at least for me its just background noise now unless I decied to dwell on it.

    1. Yeah spot on! Your message came to my mind a lot over last few days … not to dwell when past feelings come up 🙂 Acknowledge and move back into present and reality! Thank you!

  4. So you have turned your life around with your adventures and sharing your stories, not to mention being the strength for women’s rights. Oh, and you are a mum to Maria as even though some of us no longer have Mothers, we can consider ourselves the loving Mums to our fur children!
    Hugs from across the Atlantic

    1. Thank you so much! Yeah it’s kinda not hit me yet that I’ve published a book lol I’ll maybe make a list of everything I’ve achieved! 🙂 xxx

  5. You are a person that can have a family! Right now it is you and Maria, but I’ll bet it ends up growing some day (no rush). Thanks for sharing your mental health struggles. There are so many of us that are depressed and it’s nice to know we are not alone. I hope you are able to come across some happy, easy times and feelings soon. Childhood trauma lasts a lifetime. Also I read about the recent stress at your home in your recent entry. Is there any way to find a nice quiet town somewhere to live that is not so stressful? You are so strong and brave and I loved your book. Thanks for writing about your life. I hope you are able to turn things around. Forgive yourself for the hard days, and focus on doing positive things that lead you in the right direction, even if it’s not very much every day.

    1. Amazing words – thank you so much! Yes I’m ready to have my own family! Since I reported the stressors there has been no more noise or disruption which has helped so much! I’m still not convinced I’ll keep on this home in Britain. Having a home means I have to raise £500 a month before I buy food where as when I’m on road wild camping I only have to raise my food money and I get to travel lol But I’m giving it a shot! 🙂 xxx

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