I woke up today with absolutely no motivation … to do anything.  So, an idea came to me … why don’t I set myself the challenge to see how much I can achieve in one month!

But first I had to muster the motivation to take Maria for her morning walk in the sunshine. 

I congratulated myself, as I attached Maria’s lead to her collar and stepped out my front door.  As Maria ran on the grass, chasing birds in the sky, I thought about the deep-fried pizza I ate last night and how my eating wasn’t helping matters.  I normally wouldn’t make such big changes all at once but I’m kinda desperate to improve my mental health, so I made the decision.  To eat healthy.  Thoughts of salads and rice ensued, and the banishment of gluten which sends me into a depressive state … something a GP in the past, told me doesn’t exist.  When I got home, I thought of my new healthy eating plan, which I was starting right now, as I heated up last nights left over pizza in the microwave.  I tried to take a bite, but it was like steel, so it got binned.  I ate a packet of crisps instead, telling myself I was eating potatoes.  I then climbed back into bed.  The time is 10 am. 

“Stay on task with micro-deadlines’ is advice given, with regards to boosting productivity.  How micro do I have to make my tasks to succeed? 

From my bed, I did a lesson in Latin American Spanish.  I’d been learning this in my tent, whilst cycling Chile, Argentina and Bolivia and had been amazed after 6 months, that I could have ‘toddler level’ conversations … which was astounding for me.  But then I entered Brazil and was shocked I didn’t understand anything.  Then I found out Brazil speaks Portuguese.

To be honest the only reason I hadn’t continued north through Bolivia into Peru was because there was no way I wanted to cycle over the Andes again. The memory of being on my hands and knees and not being able to breathe, the world spinning around me, thinking there was a chance I would die, was still fresh in my mind.  So, I changed my South American route and cycled across Bolivia into Brazil, simply to avoid cycling over the mountains again.

From my bed, which is where I do more work than in my office … I confirmed two bookings for public speaking and completed the BBC interview, so I was free to begin my 120-mile hike.  Then it started to snow.  And I thought sod that I’ll wait until the weather gets better.   

It was 5 pm when I finally submitted to my healthy eating plan and I made a pot of carrot and coriander soup.  Just like putting Maria’s lead on and stepping out my front door, here I was feeling proud of myself.  

I’ve achieved so many amazing things in my life, which took a lot of effort and action.  Why is it that there are so many days I struggle to get out of bed?  Why am I setting micro tasks for things that most people don’t even think about – they just do on a daily basis. 

OMG night time and anxiety hit … feel like I’ve done something wrong. Really feel like I’ve done something wrong.  I quickly check reality – nope I’ve not.  But I feel it.  The same anxiety I felt at home.  Well, this is, my home now.  But my home when I was a child.  Maybe it’s having a home that’s making me anxious?  It’s just really strange.  Sure, as a child I was super anxious.  But as an adult I haven’t struggled so much with that.  Sometimes, nowadays though, since I moved into my home, I feel the same anxiety as I did, as a child.

Jesus, I should have just eaten a deep-fried pizza rather than a healthy dinner!

Ishbel xxx