My book is published in USA & I begin new mission re mental health!

My book was published in the USA and Canada today.  Notice the lack of exclamation mark that accompanies great achievements or events in life.  That’s because I don’t feel happy about it.  I don’t feel anything about it.  I know I should feel happy about it.  Or excited, but I just don’t.

To mark the occasion I was scheduled to record an interview this evening for The Outspoken Cyclist Podcast (USA) but I explained I was having a low mood day and suggested we reschedule because I simply couldn’t make myself sound happy.  Or of course we could record the podcast and touch on the subject of mental health and how low mood doesn’t give a damn about the awesomeness of having a book published in USA and Canada!

The host Diane Jenks was super cool about it and said whatever I felt was best – so we rescheduled to Friday.  Then I began sobbing.  I try so hard.  I’ve always tried so hard.  That’s why I have achieved so much.  But my mental health always seems to hold me back from achieving what I know I am capable of when not feeling this way.  Sometimes it’s not even my mood – it’s just my brain doesn’t work.

As I sat in a midst of tears, an Olympian messaged me asking how I was and how the book was doing.  And it was a ‘blaaaah’ messenger moment as I wrote the words …

I’m so frustrated because I try so hard but my mental health seems to hold me back from achieving what I know I am capable of when I’m not feeling this way. ‘

And then those words in reply; ‘I know exactly what you’re talking about.’

Okay breathe Ishbel …. someone else feels the same.

I’ve always been a firm believer in that the only limits existing are the ones you place on yourself …. I’ve believed it so much I’ve said it out loud to audiences all over the country in my talks.  But right now … I’m not so sure … does that statement still apply when dealing with mental health?

I use mindfulness on a daily basis.  I have done for years … way before mindfulness was a buzz word on the internet.  I’ve been in therapy for over a year now.  Indeed … that’s what I did with my book advance – I blew the lot on therapy!  Best decision I ever made.


Is it possible to achieve what I think I’m capable of or do I need to change what I think I am capable of?  For my own sanity.

So … I’m on a mission to find that out … and I’m going to blog about it the whole goddam way.  Who knows where the journey will take me but I’m going to face it head on – a live showdown between me and my mental health.

I’ll start by registering with a doctor and making an appointment!  (I’ll be changing names and locations to protect identities throughout blog).

Mental health has had a huge impact on my life since I was a child.  My main caregiver said there was something wrong with me.  I was assessed by psychiatrists and they were adamant there was nothing wrong with my ‘brain functioning’.  Which would have me think my problems were behavioural.  But then ‘professionals’ said there was nothing wrong with my behaviour.

But then as an adult I again tried to find out … is there something wrong with me?  But having suffered so much trauma before I was a fully developed adult means mines is a complex case and I have been diagnosed with bipolar, depression, PTSD and anxiety.  All with different medications.

With multiple diagnoses I still don’t know what is wrong so I haven’t gone down the route of medications and learned instead what is now called mindfulness and I use a holistic approach to nutrition and exercise.

I’ve known for some time now that I wanted to write an honest blog about my life and mental health and what better day to begin than the day my book is published across the pond and  my new mission begins … is there something wrong with me?  If there is what can I do about it?  If there isn’t what can I do about the difficulties I’m having?  Because I want to know …

Is it possible to achieve what I think I’m capable of or do I need to change what I think I am capable of?

Here goes …

10 Replies to “My book is published in USA & I begin new mission re mental health!”

  1. Hi Ishbel,
    I think you’re on the right track. First, acknowledgment of a problem is important. You’ve done that. Mindfulness and a holistic approach is a good start, so is writing this blog and sharing your story–that will also help. Medications can get crazy, so be careful with those if you do take any. I’ve fought depression all my life. I took meds once. No more for me. Exercise, good food, very little alcohol, and telling your story to others will help. I wish you all the best, and I hope your book sells like wildfire!


  2. A lovely blog Ish, how many people do we see each day who look “normal when actually every day is a battle for them. Concentration, interest, eating, getting outside become harder. Much easier to stay safe under the quilt in that safe space if you can find it. Therapy, mindfulness & friendships can help you stay on an even keel, even tho some days it feels impossible…
    If it’s going to the shop for milk or a coffee at the cafe that is your target, go for it. The lighter, brighter days do return & your mind may feel brighter too. They are the days when you should do something for yourself, that you love, whatever that may be.
    I’m always about in the mad hours if you fancy a blether ? wherever in the world we may be.
    Proud of everything you’ve got through, all the targets you’ve reached! Much love as always, E ❤

  3. A fearless piece. I commend you. When such moments arrive, I find myself seeking the wisdom of those who have braved storms fiercer than what I imagine. My friend is Viktor Frankl, and his and ideas words ground me. I hope you have your ace in the hole–that is something only you can find. I find they really help. Viktor might say, only you can figure this out. And I think you will. And no one says it’s easy. But that’s never the point. Anything easy isn’t meaningful.

  4. Hi Ishbel, You sure do have good writing skills! I love to read your post.
    A lot of people have daily issues so you are not alone . I think Lloyd is right on his advise . Don’t be too hard on your self. You are a really a wonderful person. Best wishes with your book.

  5. Ishbel. it has taken me decades to overcome my issues. It doesnt happen overnight so be kind to your self. There will be days when you cant be bothered to keep going but have a duvet day. Its great that you have Murphy because at least then you have to take walks every day.
    The past has gone and cannot be changed . The future is before you and opens so many possibilities. Be open to things that can help. Prayer helps me. Will follow your blog to keep updated.

  6. Ishbel, love your honesty. Been through the mill myself in the past but still haunted by the worry that I could find myself back there again. You are right -it is a journey and every journey starts day one with the first step. And being published in the US is a great big deal! So basically if I can help you know where I am. Coffee and ranting always available ? x

    1. Hey George! Thank you so much! Yeah it’s pretty awesome the whole book thing. Looking forward to a coffee and rant soon! ha ha ha! And genuinely – thank you!

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